


these things i could never describe

by cjmasim



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: (Temporarily), Additional Warnings In Author's Note, Alternate Universe - Punk, Alternate Universe - Rock Band, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Closeted Character, Hurt/Comfort, Letters, Loneliness, Long-Distance Relationship, M/M, Period-Typical Homophobia, Wolfstar Hurt Fest 2020
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-14
Updated: 2020-09-14
Packaged: 2021-03-06 09:21:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,568
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25967281
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cjmasim/pseuds/cjmasim
Summary: "Do you know what this meeting is going to be about?"Sirius takes a bite of his sandwich, chewing slowly before answering. "I don't. But I don't get the impression it's going to be a fun meeting.""What is that supposed to mean?" Remus asks, watching as Sirius takes another bite. He takes a bite of his own, anxiety mildly suppressed by Sirius' honesty."Well, they're not going to kick me out of the band," Sirius says with a slight chuckle. "How would that work, anyway? A band calledSirius and the Hellhoundswith no Sirius - what, did the Hellhounds eat me?" He scoffs.
Relationships: Alice Longbottom & Remus Lupin, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 6
Kudos: 57
Collections: Wolfstar Hurt Fest





	these things i could never describe

**Author's Note:**

> Important: warnings for this fic include homophobia, forced closeting, mild anxiety, loneliness, + mentions of infidelity, AIDS, racism, drug use, and unhealthy family dynamics. 
> 
> Written for the Wolfstar Hurt/Comfort fest in response to a prompt for a rockstar AU. I thought about a few different time periods and genres that this could be set in, but ultimately landed in early 1980s post-punk/goth rock. Think The Cure, Joy Division, Siouxsie and the Banshees, Bauhaus, etc. Fittingly, the title is taken from Isolation by Joy Division, and Sirius' band name is directly inspired by Siouxsie and the Banshees. 
> 
> Thank you to my beta, G, and to the mods for running this fest!
> 
> Now that reveals are up, you can find my playlist and cover art for this fic [here](https://cjmasim.tumblr.com/post/630504508743630848/fic-29-these-things-i-could-never-describe)!

Ever since Sirius returned from his band's latest tour across the U.K., Remus has gotten himself in the habit of coming home from work as early as possible. The sooner he gets home, he reasons, the more time he gets to spend with his boyfriend. How early Remus can leave work depends entirely on the day, of course; Tuesdays and Thursdays are never as early as he'd like. Those are the days that he volunteers to supervise detention. Today, naturally, is a Thursday, so it's nearly sunset by the time he makes it home. 

Remus is surprised, then, to see that Sirius is not at home. 

He takes off his coat, drops his bag on the table by the door and tosses his key into the bowl, but doesn't take his shoes off just in case. Just in case of _what_ he isn't quite sure - he knows that the part of him itching to go out and search for Sirius is just being paranoid. He makes his way into the kitchen and relaxes when he sees a note on the refrigerator in Sirius' signature messy, slanted handwriting.

 _Gryffindor called a last-minute meeting. Be home tonight. Love, S_.

Remus sighs in relief and goes back to the front door to take his shoes off. There's no sense in worrying now that he knows Sirius is meeting with his record label, so he returns to the kitchen and thinks about making dinner. 

The front door opens right as Remus gets the sandwich bread out of the cupboard. He turns to see Sirius come in, his face lighting up at the sight of Remus.

"Honey, I'm home," he calls in a mockingly high voice. 

"What was your meeting all about?" Remus asks. Sirius takes off his coat and shoes, coming over to give Remus a quick kiss before responding.

"You're not going to believe this!" He's smiling still, so Remus is quite sure it's going to be good news. "Our album's been selling better than expected, so the label managed to book us a tour across Europe! We're the support act, but - oh, this is all so exciting."

"Europe?" Remus exclaims, smiling now too. "That's amazing!" It sounds like a much bigger deal than touring the U.K., and Sirius had been positively thrilled about that.

"We'll be supporting The Cure, which is just mind-blowing," Sirius continues. "Oh, and the label wanted to meet with me privately, too, tomorrow morning. They said it's nothing big, just that it doesn't concern the other guys."

Remus pauses. "Why couldn't they just do it today?"

Sirius shrugs, looking away. His eyes land on the bread, and Remus realizes he must be hungry, too. They'd typically already be eating by now, even on a Thursday - Sirius would normally have done the cooking while Remus was supervising detention. 

"We should eat," Remus says, shifting the topic of conversation. He's getting the impression that Sirius knows more than he's letting on, but he resolves to ask during dinner. 

"We still have turkey, right? God, I'm starving," Sirius says, and just like that, they're back to normal.

They each make their own sandwiches, though the kitchen isn't big enough to have any real personal space. Remus doesn't mind - really, he quite loves that Sirius isn't more than a hand's length away from him right now - but the reality of Sirius' announcement is starting to hit him. A tour across Europe isn't going to be like a tour across the U.K. This is a good thing for Sirius and the band, of course; more exposure to a wider variety of people could only ever help them. 

Europe reaches a lot farther than the U.K., though, and Remus doesn't want to think about how much longer this tour will take. 

When they sit down to eat, Remus asks the question before he even takes a bite. He isn't sure he can wait any longer. 

"Do you know what this meeting is going to be about?"

Sirius takes a bite of his sandwich, chewing slowly before answering. "I don't. But I don't get the impression it's going to be a fun meeting."

"What is that supposed to mean?" Remus asks, watching as Sirius takes another bite. He takes a bite of his own, anxiety mildly suppressed by Sirius' honesty.

"Well, they're not going to kick me out of the band," Sirius says with a slight chuckle. "How would that work, anyway? A band called _Sirius and the Hellhounds_ with no Sirius - what, did the Hellhounds eat me?" He scoffs.

"They'd never," Remus agrees. Sirius' bandmates are his brothers - literally, in Regulus' case, but he's just as close to Peter and Frank, and the first time Remus had met James, he'd thought he and Sirius had been dating. They weren't, of course; Sirius swears that James is the most heterosexual person he's ever met, and it hadn't been long before Sirius had asked Remus out. 

Not to mention that Sirius is the lead vocalist and songwriter, and Remus can't think of a single noteworthy band that's ever survived that sort of departure. 

"I'm not sure what else it could be," Sirius sighs before taking another bite to finish the first half of his sandwich.

"You don't think they want to hire a ghostwriter, or worse, change your genre, do you?" Remus asks. 

Sirius winces, and Remus gets the impression that he hadn't even considered that possibility. 

"You know what," Remus says before Sirius gets the chance to respond. "There's no use speculating. All it's going to do is make you anxious for the actual meeting."

"Me? Anxious? No, I think you're projecting," Sirius jokes. "Can't risk forgetting the importance of the imagery in Steinbeck's works."

"Like I'd ever," Remus laughs. 

True, he might be a bit distracted tomorrow, but there's nothing he can do about it. He won't know what the meeting is about until he gets home from work and Sirius tells him.

Thank God he always gets to leave on time on Fridays. 

-

Maybe Remus speeds on the way home that afternoon, but he doesn't get caught. Sirius is already at the house, judging by the presence of his car in the driveway. Remus leaves his bag in his car in his haste to hear what the meeting was about. 

Sirius is standing at the front door waiting for him. His hair is a little more tangled than usual, but he's smiling and doesn't show any clear signs of having been crying, so Remus' fear subsides a little. 

"Hey," he greets Remus. "How was work?"

"Just a normal day," Remus says, waving a hand dismissively. "So?"

Sirius sighs, taking a step into the house. Remus follows, and Sirius begins to speak once they're inside. 

"They wanted to talk about us," he says. Remus' heart skips a beat. "I honestly forgot they even knew we're together, but the bigwigs know everything, right? So, obviously, the singer of an up-and-coming band can't be openly gay."

"I don't like where this is going," Remus says. 

Sirius laughs. "No, no, I don't either. They said that they're a fairly progressive record label, so they're not going to make me break up with you or get a beard or anything like that, so I said, 'oh, gee, thanks.' They did bring out a contract, though. I had to sign that if I wanted to stay in the band."

"Sirius, what the fuck? How can they-"

"Oh, Remus, you haven't even heard what's in the contract yet," Sirius says. "Honestly, it could be worse. I just can't let anyone know I'm a homosexual, excluding those who already know, of course."

"You what - God, Sirius, how long does this contract last?"

Sirius looks away. "My whole career, probably. At least as long as I'm with Gryffindor Records. But it's for the best, right? I wouldn't want to be the reason the band gets dropped from the label or can't book shows anymore. And, like, things are getting bad with AIDS, you know? Especially in America, if we ever want to break into that market we can't have people knowing I'm - well."

Remus starts to pace. Sirius does have a point. Sure, there are some musicians out as bisexual, but it's not exactly normalized - if anything, it's more easily erased. Besides, while Remus is bisexual, Sirius isn't. He's not sure he can think of any notable musician who's out as gay or has even dated someone of the same gender.

"If you think it's right, then I'll support you," Remus finally says. "I mean, of course I support you. I don't love it; I'll admit that. But if you're sure that coming out isn't going to help you, that's okay."

"Thank you," Sirius says quietly.

"Do you really believe it's best?" Remus asks. 

Sirius sighs. "I don't know. I'd like to come out, but I also want to play music for a living, and if the label tells me I can't come out, then what the fuck am I supposed to do about it?"

Remus stops pacing and steps closer, drawing Sirius into a hug. He rests his head on Remus' shoulder and sighs, and Remus holds him tighter. He knows Sirius doesn't often let himself show emotions, much less negative ones, so he lets Sirius stay in his arms as long as he wants. 

After a long moment, Sirius pulls away but doesn't step back. He looks right at Remus. 

"You know, it doesn't say you can't come out," Sirius says with a smile that doesn't meet his eyes, and Remus wonders if it ever really will for as long as he's in the music industry. "You can still display a rainbow flag or go meet others like us, just… without mentioning me, I suppose."

"Sirius, no," Remus says, putting a hand on Sirius' shoulder. "Meeting others like us? It's not like I can tell them I have a boyfriend, because they'll want to know who he is, and if I can't say then it either makes me look like a desperate liar or makes them desperate to find out what I'm hiding. I mean, what, do you expect me to go out and tell them I'm single but refuse to date any of them, or - oh, bloody hell Sirius, don't tell me you expect me to flirt with them?"

"I wouldn't be mad if you did," Sirius says quietly, looking down. 

"Well, you should," Remus says, taking his hand back and waiting for Sirius to look at him. "If you went out and flirted with someone else, I'd be mad. That's generally how committed relationships work."

"I'll hardly be able to see you," Sirius says instead of responding. "James intends to bring Lily on our next tour, but I won't be able to bring you. Not if you - not if I can't justify you being there."

Remus shakes his head. "Sirius, you know I want to be there for you, but it's okay if I can't be. I understand. I'm not going to go flirt with other guys or anything like that, though. I can wait for you."

"There has to be some other way, though, like maybe you could learn to be a guitar tech or-"

"Sirius." He stops talking, and Remus continues. "I'll be okay. You'll be okay. You have our number, and you can ring me anytime you have access to a telephone. You can write me letters, and I'll write back."

"You won't be able to mail them," Sirius protests.

"So you can read them when you get back!" Remus exclaims. "Honestly, Sirius, I promise it'll work out."

"And if it doesn't?"

"We'll give it a trial run on this next tour," Remus says. Sirius nods. "It's just a month and a half. If it doesn't work, if we miss each other more than we can bear, or if we can't get the telephone calls to work, then we'll figure something out when you get back. How does that sound?"

Sirius smiles again, looking much more sincere this time. "That sounds okay," he says.

Remus smiles, too, reaching a hand out again to cup Sirius' chin, turning it so that he can lean in and kiss him. Sirius kisses back with shocking intensity, carding his fingers through Remus' comparatively short hair and only pulling apart when Remus feels himself struggling to breathe. He seems desperate, Remus thinks, like he's still worried this tour will be the end of them.

"We'll make it work," Remus promises, forcing himself to believe it for Sirius' sake. In truth, he's more worried than he feels capable of thinking about - worried that he'll go mad with loneliness, worried that Sirius will forget all about him as he meets all these exciting, interesting men willing to do anything to get a taste of him - but he'll still have his coworkers and his students for company, and he trusts Sirius. He just has to keep believing.

-

While Remus had been quite worried about the tour and how he would handle having Sirius away for so long, he had forgotten that tours don't just happen overnight. They have two whole months between Sirius finding out about the tour and the day the band actually has to leave.

Naturally, those two months pass almost instantaneously. It's a summer tour, so of course, Remus won't even be working for most of the time. It falls during the summer holiday, meaning even less opportunity for distraction than he'd typically have. 

Sirius zips up his suitcase where it lies on the floor of their bedroom. Remus is there to help, though all he's really done is help Sirius find certain articles of clothing that he'd thought were lost. Sirius stands up to join Remus on the bed, sitting beside him and slinging an arm around his shoulders. 

"I'm going to miss you," he says, leaning his head onto Remus' shoulder. "So much."

"I'll miss you even more," Remus says. 

"No, I'll miss you the most," Sirius laughs, picking his head back up. It's a tired joke, but Remus is glad to see him smile.

"This is going to be the best tour," Remus says. "Don't spend all your time thinking about what you're missing out on. I'll still be here."

"I know," Sirius says. He pulls away, getting up and walking back across the room to where his suitcase lies on the ground. He picks it up and turns back to face Remus. "I'll write you, okay? And ring you if I'm able."

Remus gets up, too, and they walk out of the bedroom and toward the front door. He's not sure what else to say, not when he knows it's the last time he'll see Sirius for nearly two months, and on top of that, he has to act strong. He knows Sirius is just as anxious about leaving as he is about being left behind, but he needs this tour.

"It'll pass faster than we think," Remus says. 

"I sure hope so," Sirius replies. "God. Fuck. I've never been so stressed about leaving for a tour."

"Just focus on the positives," Remus says. "It's amazing for your career, you're going to see all kinds of cool places, and when it's over, you can look forward to coming home to me."

"You're so good at putting a positive spin on things, even when you have to force it," Sirius says. He grabs Remus' hand and says, "It's one of the things I love about you."

Remus leans in to meet Sirius for the kiss, knowing it'll be the last one they share for a long time, longer than they've ever gone since they first met. It's a kiss of desperation and preemptive longing, both of them trying to commit every detail to memories that they know they'll need to draw from in the coming weeks. They break apart and come back together several times, and even as the clock passes 10:30 and Sirius is due to leave, they kiss once more before Sirius pulls Remus into an embrace. He pulls away far too early for Remus' taste to grab his suitcase and open the front door.

"I love you," he says as he turns away.

"I love you too," Remus says. He watches Sirius leave, and as excited as he is for the future of the band, it's a matter of seconds before his heart plunges into loneliness. 

-

Remus doesn't leave the house again until it's time for work Monday morning. Normally, he enjoys going on walks and chatting with his neighbors at the park, but with Sirius gone, he couldn't bring himself to do anything other than mope. 

He'd been tempted to revise his lesson plan to include analyzing some particularly depressing poetry, but it's probably better for the students if he sticks to the writing exercise he'd had planned. Letting the students loose to write for fifteen minutes gives him a little time to get caught up on grading, anyway, and the mundanity of it all helps ground him in his work. 

He's not sure the loneliness will get any easier, so for as long as school is still in session, work is all he has. 

-

There's no point in writing a letter to Sirius now. He doesn't have a mailing address when he's in a different city every night. Remus knows he's not going to see the letter until he gets back, if Remus even decides to keep it and give it to him, but he finds himself writing a letter that night anyway.

_Dear Sirius,_

_It's been 3 days since you left and I'm already writing a letter that I know you can't read. Yet, that is… I don't want to imply that you're illiterate, even if James always says you are. You're one hell of a songwriter, obviously, and that does require the ability to read._

_Anyway. I made it through the first day of the working week. The normalcy helped, but now that I'm home all I can think about is how much I miss you. I think I'm going to have to stay after hours to get any grading done; working at home is too miserable. Then again, I don't want to miss your call if you should get the opportunity. I don't know when you'll be able to call or how long it'll take for a letter to arrive, but the moment I do get some sort of correspondence from you is what's keeping me going. That and the need to do my job._

_Lately, I've been thinking about how much I miss hearing you practice on the weekends. Even if the lyrics are so often depressing, the sound of your voice is like a shot of sunshine straight into my bloodstream. I might actually put on your record in hopes it makes me feel better, but it might also make me miss you even more._

_Thinking about you - always. I love you more than words could ever say._

_Remus_

As he puts the pen down, Remus thinks again about putting on a Sirius and the Hellhounds record. They only have one album so far, but it's 40 minutes of Sirius' voice, and he misses that sound so much that his ears feel empty. 

He has to sit through a familiar four-minute instrumental before Sirius starts singing, but the sound of his voice is more than worth it. Remus cries more than a little, but by the end of the album, he does feel marginally better. 

-

By Thursday, Alice has noticed Remus' moping. 

"Did something happen?" She asks in the teachers' lounge after school one day. 

Remus winces a little, having hoped he'd been hiding his misery better than he evidently has been, but tells her the truth. "Sirius left for tour." He's just glad he'd already told her about his relationship before Sirius signed that bloody contract. 

"Oh Remus, I'm sorry, that must be hard," Alice says. "How long will he be gone?"

"Another six weeks," Remus says. "It's all across Europe. Huge opportunity, of course, but the loneliness is so much easier when he's at least in the same country and only gone for a few weeks."

"I say we should go out tomorrow night," Alice suggests. 

"Out? But what if he calls?"

"You still need to live your life, Remus. No matter how much you love and miss him, you are your own person." She has a point, but Remus has never been one for going out anyway. 

He says as much, and she waves a hand. "If you're truly miserable, you can leave, but you have to at least try it."

Remus sighs. He's not winning this one. "Fine," he agrees.

-

Alice picks him up at his house a few hours after he gets home, and Remus is unsurprised to see that she takes him to a pub. 

"I have a few friends going," she assures him as if that makes a difference. "It'll be good to interact with people your age!"

"I suppose so," Remus sighs. 

When they get inside, she introduces him to some of her friends from uni, and they're all lovely but none of them are _Sirius_. Remus knows that Alice had a point about him needing to build more of a life outside of his relationship, especially given that said relationship can't be public for many years to come - possibly ever, but Remus doesn't want to think about that. Still, even as he listens to Alice's friends tell a story of the time they'd ended up backstage at a Joan Jett concert, his mind drifts to Sirius. 

What is he doing right now? The band should be in Zurich, preparing to go onstage. Is Sirius thinking of him? Is he writing Remus a letter about their shows in Portugal and Spain? Is he receiving a lecture from James about how he needs to stop moping about missing Remus?

Or - Remus' mind oh-so-helpfully drifts back to what Sirius had said when he'd asked if Sirius expected him to flirt with other guys.

_I wouldn't be mad if you did._

Remus had been too surprised to properly address that comment, especially given that he had already been blindsided by the contract, and Sirius hadn't wanted to mention it again. Now that Sirius is gone, Remus can't help but wonder if he expects Remus not to be mad if he flirts with other guys. 

But Remus had said he would be. And Sirius would never cheat on him, or even consider it - he loves Remus too much. Right?

He can't keep dwelling on thoughts like these. Not with so much time left on this tour - he'll go mad.

-

Two weeks pass before Remus finally hears from Sirius. It's in the form of a letter, and when Remus finds it while sorting through the mail he gets so excited he drops it in his haste to open the damn thing. It's been three weeks since he's so much as heard from Sirius, and he's not sure he could have survived much longer. 

_Dear Remus,_

_As I'm writing this, it's the first show of the tour in Lisbon. Fair warning that I might have a little trouble finding a place to send this, but I promise it'll get to you. If it doesn't, you won't be reading this anyway._

_The drive down here was quite an experience. James has a new girlfriend, Lily - you probably remember me telling you about her - and he must've spent that entire ride talking about how much he loves her. It was maddening, but it's nice to see him so happy. He wants to bring her out on tour, but she feels it's too early for that sort of thing. As happy as I am for the lovely couple, I wish I could bring you out on tour - just as my boyfriend. (Of course, you could always learn to be a guitar tech or something along those lines… maybe you could be our touring triangle player!)_

_I miss you terribly, and I've already written a few terrible lyrics about it. The absolute worst of them all - "In the pouring rain / missing you my dame." I'm awful at pretending to be heterosexual, Remus. Awful. I should've taken up acting when I was in school._

_I hope you're doing well and not suffocating yourself with loneliness and despair. Hey, that's a better lyric than the one I put above. I love you and I spend every second wishing I was with you. Every time I go onto that stage, a part of me wants to turn around and come home to you, but I go and I give the best show of my life because I know it's what you'd want me to do. You've always been my biggest supporter, and it never ever goes unnoticed._

_Love you. I'll write again soon._

_Sirius_

If Remus spends the rest of the night listening to Sirius' record and reading the letter over and over and over again, well, nobody has to know. 

-

"You're looking uncharacteristically chipper," Alice says when Remus walks into the teacher's lounge the next morning. 

"Can't I be happy it's Tuesday?"

"Absolutely not; you hate Tuesdays," Alice laughs. "What's up?"

"I heard from Sirius," Remus confesses. Alice gasps, already rushing to ask what he said, so Remus continues before she can bother. "He wrote me a letter when the tour started, though it only just came. It was very sweet and, well, you know, it was just nice to hear from him."

Alice nods. "Yes, yes, of course. Oh, Remus, I'm so happy for you."

Remus shrugs. "It'll keep me going for a few days, anyway. I suppose it's gotten a little bit less suffocating over the weeks."

"Right," Alice says, "because instead of wrecking yourself with anxiety, you're wallowing in a constant state of pity. It doesn't hurt as much because it's your default state when you've been alone for too long. I should take you out again-"

"Alice, really, it's okay," Remus interjects. "I'd be happier just staying in and going to sleep early. I don't fit in at pubs."

"Fine, then I'll come over in a few days and hang out," she says. 

Remus doesn't have a good excuse for that one, and he can't object to hanging out with Alice anyway. Besides, it's the last week of school before the summer holiday, so he may as well start seeing her outside of work more often since there won't be any time spent grading assignments in the teachers' lounge after school for the next several weeks. 

"Okay," he agrees. Even with the boost from Sirius' letter, Remus knows that spending time with Alice will only serve to help him. He can't keep drowning in loneliness forever. 

-

Alice does come over that week, and she comes back several times over the next few weeks. Her presence doesn't make Remus miss Sirius any less, but it does help him to direct his thoughts elsewhere during the times he's not occupied by work. Remus almost doesn't realize it's been a while since he received Sirius' letter until another one comes in the mail. 

Alice is at the house when he finds it, sifting through Remus' bookshelf to judge his taste. He'd gotten up to get the mail delivery only to drop all of the mail in shock once again. 

"You okay?" Alice calls out. Remus doesn't respond. He picks up the letter, leaving the rest of the mail scattered on the floor, and tears open the envelope as fast as he can manage without ripping it. Alice pauses in going through his books, seemingly having figured out what's going on. 

_Dear Remus,_

_The second week of the tour is all wrapped up! I've seen so many incredible places and I can't wait to tell you all about them, but I don't think a letter will do the stories justice. Europe is so beautiful, and I know there's still a lot more than I didn't get to see. I hope I can see it all with you one day._

_Reggie and I had a grand old time besmirching the family name in France. Do you remember how I told you my mother would say we were "toujours pur", always pure? I've always had a bit of a negative view of France, associating it with their racist shit. It's quite beautiful, though, and the people were so friendly. The two of us put on some black lipstick that day to really hammer in the whole rebellion thing, not that our parents will ever see, but it was fun. I've already started writing a song about it, but it might not be depressing enough for the band!_

_Peter and James have been bickering nonstop about their guitar parts lately. They're usually so easily synced up, but I think Peter might be jealous of James for having Lily. You would think he'd just find solidarity with Reggie and Frank; they're just as painfully single as he is. Reggie certainly likes it that way, at least. It's all in good fun, though. At the end of the day, they're still the best of friends. And for Peter, Frank, and Reggie, this tour is a way to have all the people they care about most in the world with them at the same time - it's magical! James misses Lily, and I miss you more than ever, but I hope one day you'll be able to come along with us. If you'd like to._

_Thinking of you every day. Every hour, every minute, every second, every song that I play, every song that I write._

_Love you forever._

_Sirius_

"I'll have to write him back," Remus says. It doesn't at all capture everything he feels about the letter, but it's a start. 

"Does he even have an address?" Alice asks.

Remus shakes his head. "I'll give them to him when he gets back."

"That sounds so difficult," she says. "For you, of course it's difficult; you're the one living your normal life while he's gone, but - he doesn't even get to hear from you. God, I hope the two of you spend at least a week without leaving each other's sight once he gets back."

Remus smiles, almost laughs a little. "Yes, we should, shouldn't we?"

And he'd just written to Sirius the previous night, but he writes again, and again, and again. 

-

Life passes much the same for a few more weeks. Remus receives two more letters from Sirius and writes at least two dozen more. He starts to spend even more time with Alice and even a few of her friends, and he still feels lonely, but he only misses Sirius enough for it to truly hurt when he's alone in their bed at night. 

And then Sirius comes home. 

Remus has been looking forward to this day since Sirius left, but Sirius never actually told him what time of day to expect him to get back. Maybe he wasn't sure; it could depend on traffic or whether the band wants to stop to go on one last adventure. 

The night before, Remus can hardly sleep with the anticipation of seeing Sirius again, and he dreads the thought of waking up only for Sirius to not come home until the late hours of the night. 

All of his worrying was for nothing, of course, because one moment Remus falls asleep and the next thing he knows, Sirius is in bed with him. 

"Go back to sleep," he says softly. Remus very much does not go back to sleep. He bolts up, momentarily thinking he's in a dream, but he tells himself to wake up and it doesn't happen. 

"Oh my God," he says, remembering that today really is the day Sirius is meant to come home and he's definitely not dreaming. "It's really you."

He practically throws himself into Sirius' arms, but Sirius must've been expecting him to.

"Well, Remus, I sure hope it's me, considering that I managed to get into the house while you were sleeping and I certainly wouldn't want some _other_ devilishly handsome rock star coming in and whisking you away," Sirius grins. 

"Sirius," Remus starts, but he's not even sure what to say. His mind hasn't fully woken up yet, so all he can think about is how happy he is to see him again. It still feels a little bit like a dream, but if it is one, it's the best dream he's ever had. 

"I missed the sound of your voice so much," Sirius says. "God, Remus, can you just - say something? Just ramble about whatever so I can hear it again?"

Remus laughs, and Sirius kisses him right then and there without even waiting for his request to be fulfilled.

"Fuck," he laughs after pulling apart. "I think I missed the sound of your laugh even more."

Remus thinks back to the time he'd spent listening to Sirius' album just to hear his voice, and he remembers all the letters Sirius has yet to read. "Hey, actually - I know something I could do, just for you to hear my voice and know how much I missed you all at once, and get caught up and all."

"Oh God, yes, I'm listening," Sirius says. Remus is pretty sure he'd have said the same thing if he'd just gone on about the weather. 

"While you were gone, I wrote you letters to read when you get back, just like I said I would," Remus explains. "And there are a lot of them. I could read them all, out loud."

Sirius had already been smiling wide enough that Remus hadn't thought he could smile any wider, but somehow he manages. "I would love that."

"Let's go for it, then," Remus smiles back. 

-

They spend the rest of the morning and much of the afternoon catching up. Remus reads all of the letters, just as promised, and Sirius is touched by every single one of them. He tells Remus some of the stories he'd promised to tell in person, but after a while, he says that he has enough of them to tell for months to come and doesn't want to spoil all of them at once. 

"Those letters were lovely," Sirius says after wrapping up a story about Frank nearly getting left behind in Copenhagen. "I prepared something special for you too, you know."

"Oh?" Remus asks. "And what is that?"

Sirius grins, getting up without a word and retrieving his guitar from where he'd dropped it off in the spare bedroom that he uses to practice. "I wrote a song for you," he says. "Not in the cliché way; it's not some love song about you, even if I could write a million of those. It's about missing you, and it's kind of dark and depressing but I think you'll find it relatable and I hope you'll love it."

Remus' heart flutters. He knows Sirius has written a few lyrics inspired by him here and there, but an entire song - that's a new development. His mind jumps ahead to the possibility of Sirius being on another tour and Remus playing this song just to hear his voice, and how he knows it'll hurt even more than playing the songs he's already released.

Not that he's heard the song yet. "Go ahead, play it," he says. "I'm honored, Sirius, that's - I couldn't have asked for more."

"Maybe a box of tissues," Sirius jokes, drawing a laugh out of Remus before he begins to play.

The song is as dark as Sirius promised, but it's beautiful in the same way as a well-maintained graveyard illuminated by the light of a full moon. Chills run down Remus' spine as Sirius hits some especially low notes, and the more of the lyrics he hears the more he understands just how well this song represents everything they've both felt over the past several weeks. The lyrics speak of a lover dying, and nothing the narrator tries - no drug, no other lover, nothing - can clear his mind or bring this person back. It's vague enough that fans won't know what the song is really about, but Remus will always know, and the thought is oddly comforting.

This song is special, he's sure of it. It's going to be a hit, and it's always going to remind him of the loneliness he's felt - and in a way, that makes the thought of the inevitable loneliness just a little less terrifying. 

"I think I'd like to look into touring with you," Remus says when the song is finished. "Sorry, that's not about the song at all, it's just - Sirius, you do understand that that is the single best song a human has ever written, right?"

Sirius laughs. "Oh, if only I could look into your brain."

"I'm serious-" Sirius laughs again, and Remus keeps talking to drown out the inevitable pun. "You know what I mean. In the span of a few minutes, you managed to make me feel everything that I've been feeling for the past several weeks and yet this time, it felt okay, like it was nothing to be upset about, because no matter what, I'm with you. I always will be. And I can't promise that I'll stick with touring forever, but I want to try it."

"I - I don't know what to say," Sirius says, smiling. "I'm flattered. And we'll have to get started on finding you a crew job right away. It shouldn't be long before the next tour and I'll be damned if I have to do it without you again."

"You won't have to," Remus says. "Not anytime soon, not if we can find something for me to do. Plus, think of it this way: if you can't come out as a gay man due to being under contract with Gryffindor Records, then surely I won't be allowed to either. We're in this together."

"You do have a point," Sirius says. "Coming out isn't everything to me, as much as I'd like to. If I had to choose between having you and coming out, well," he laughs, "I wouldn't have to think about it for even a second."

"I feel the same way," Remus reassures him. 

"And we'll find something, Remus. Don't worry. Say, we could even get a job for your friend Alice if she wants to get into the touring life; James said he'd do that for Lily so she doesn't have to feel like a groupie."

Remus moves closer, taking Sirius' hand in his and smiling back at him. "This time, you're not saving any of those tour stories for later."

"I won't need to," Sirius says. He leans in to kiss him, and Remus has already lost count of how many times they've kissed since Sirius got home. It's not enough, though - it may never be - and he's sure there will be many more to come. 

For now, he's not going to worry about the past or the future. He has Sirius and he always will, and in the end, Remus knows that that is what matters most. Sirius may not be his entire world - Alice and his ability to drown out his thoughts in work had reminded him of that. He is at the center of Remus' world, though, and right now, that is all that matters.


End file.
